I haven't done this in a while. Blogging just kinda died for me, like I knew it would. But after using twitter and facebook to express everything I feel and as the avenue that my heart is worn on my sleeve, I've had a few people point me in the direction of blogging my feelings instead. That way, there's less of a chance that people I know will see it, and I can say everything I need to say without it coming back to haunt me. See, when I post to twitter and facebook, I kinda forget that it actually is visible to people I know. In my mind, I'm telling twitter or facebook, not my followers and friends. And then someone will mention it to me in real life and I'm like, oh crap, you actually saw that? So I'm back to blogging. For now.
Tonight's a rough night. My feelings of inadequacy and unimportance are back in full force. Feeling like I don't have any real friends, and knowing that guys aren't interested in me and I'll probably die alone, all mixed in with the fact that it's just been a super lonely Saturday are weighing heavily on my heart.
Of the few people around here that I would consider friends, when I think about it I know they don't really consider me a friend. I'm an acquaintance, someone they know, someone they will put up with when I'm around but they never ask me to do anything or really want to hang out with me. It's the curse of being an introvert and invisible and pessimistic and negative, and consequently, unliked. I'm not the kind of person that people want to hang around. Granted, I'm not always negative and unhappy, especially not in group situations, but it's become enough of a hallmark of who I am that people don't want to be around me. Not to mention that I avoided my friend group because my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend are both in it and I don't want to be around them. So I hung out with my friends less and less until I finally lost them. And I mean, they didn't really care to be around me that much to begin with, so after I pulled back so much, I became dead to them. I wasn't there and no one cared. No one ever invites me to things. No one notices I'm not there. No one asks about me. I want so badly to have friends, real friends, the kind of friends they all are to each other, the kind of friends that people make in college. Lifelong friends that you can tell everything to and spend all your time with and you never totally lose touch with. I want that so badly. But I'm horrible at keeping friends, and even worse at making them. It's a good thing I went to a small high school and was put with the same group for years, or else I wouldn't even have them.
When it comes to guys, I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. First off, guys don't notice me, and if they do, none of them are ever interested in me. Typically, they are attracted to any other girl that I'm with. If I'm alone, I'm just mostly invisible. Only twice in my life have I attracted the attention of a guy to the point of them actually wanting to date me, and yet both those relationships lasted only 3 months, they were the ones who dumped me, and both said they weren't sure they ever loved me. How do you think that would make someone feel? I don't know what it is about me that guys don't like. I don't know why I'm not enough, what I'm doing wrong, what other girls have that I don't have. As it turns out, I'm just the girl that guys (by that I mean my ex boyfriends) want to have around (after the breakup, mind you) just for when they want me there. Because I still have feelings for them, they know that whenever they come back around I will fall right into it. The problem is, I always have more attached to it and they never do. But now my latest ex is perfectly happy with another girl and I really don't know why she is right for him and I'm not. What makes her so special? Why is she everything he was looking for? I don't know why I wasn't good enough, why I wasn't everything he was looking for. He never gave me a good reason, and just the other day he told me that if we had gone about our relationship better things might be totally different now. As in we might still be together. When he broke up with me he said he still liked me, so I was at a loss to understand why he didn't want to be with me. I don't know. I probably never will. But since the relationship with him, which ended almost a year ago, I haven't met anyone else that likes me that I also like (by that I mean there have been a couple of total creepers who I would NEVER date but that's it). By and large, when I meet guys (which isn't super often), they're never interested. And all those super romantic love stories about how people meet, I walk around every day wondering if that'll happen to me, but of course it never does. The cute guy at the store who comes over to talk. The guy eating on campus at the table across from you and you keep making eye contact. The best friend of your ex boyfriend who you've been pouring your heart out to and now he knows you better than almost anyone, and (in a movie) he tells you that he's fallen for you and the two of you live happily ever after. Yeah that last one, that's one that's just never going to happen. Even if I am closer to him than almost anyone. Even if I do consider him one of my best friends in the world now. Even if I do sorta kinda like him, and I could fall in love with him, but I won't let myself because I know he doesn't like me like that. I could go on about guys. But I won't, or else I won't have anything else to blog about.
I guess that's it for tonight. It was good to let some of it out and type it all. Typing a lot is kinda therapeutic in and of itself. If you're unlucky enough to read this, I apologize. The point of this is that people probably won't see it. Until next time
-♥- Angela
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