Back to Square One

I haven't done this in a while. Blogging just kinda died for me, like I knew it would. But after using twitter and facebook to express everything I feel and as the avenue that my heart is worn on my sleeve, I've had a few people point me in the direction of blogging my feelings instead. That way, there's less of a chance that people I know will see it, and I can say everything I need to say without it coming back to haunt me. See, when I post to twitter and facebook, I kinda forget that it actually is visible to people I know. In my mind, I'm telling twitter or facebook, not my followers and friends. And then someone will mention it to me in real life and I'm like, oh crap, you actually saw that? So I'm back to blogging. For now.
Tonight's a rough night. My feelings of inadequacy and unimportance are back in full force. Feeling like I don't have any real friends, and knowing that guys aren't interested in me and I'll probably die alone, all mixed in with the fact that it's just been a super lonely Saturday are weighing heavily on my heart.
Of the few people around here that I would consider friends, when I think about it I know they don't really consider me a friend. I'm an acquaintance, someone they know, someone they will put up with when I'm around but they never ask me to do anything or really want to hang out with me. It's the curse of being an introvert and invisible and pessimistic and negative, and consequently, unliked. I'm not the kind of person that people want to hang around. Granted, I'm not always negative and unhappy, especially not in group situations, but it's become enough of a hallmark of who I am that people don't want to be around me. Not to mention that I avoided my friend group because my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend are both in it and I don't want to be around them. So I hung out with my friends less and less until I finally lost them. And I mean, they didn't really care to be around me that much to begin with, so after I pulled back so much, I became dead to them. I wasn't there and no one cared. No one ever invites me to things. No one notices I'm not there. No one asks about me. I want so badly to have friends, real friends, the kind of friends they all are to each other, the kind of friends that people make in college. Lifelong friends that you can tell everything to and spend all your time with and you never totally lose touch with. I want that so badly. But I'm horrible at keeping friends, and even worse at making them. It's a good thing I went to a small high school and was put with the same group for years, or else I wouldn't even have them.
When it comes to guys, I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. First off, guys don't notice me, and if they do, none of them are ever interested in me. Typically, they are attracted to any other girl that I'm with. If I'm alone, I'm just mostly invisible. Only twice in my life have I attracted the attention of a guy to the point of them actually wanting to date me, and yet both those relationships lasted only 3 months, they were the ones who dumped me, and both said they weren't sure they ever loved me. How do you think that would make someone feel? I don't know what it is about me that guys don't like. I don't know why I'm not enough, what I'm doing wrong, what other girls have that I don't have. As it turns out, I'm just the girl that guys (by that I mean my ex boyfriends) want to have around (after the breakup, mind you) just for when they want me there. Because I still have feelings for them, they know that whenever they come back around I will fall right into it. The problem is, I always have more attached to it and they never do. But now my latest ex is perfectly happy with another girl and I really don't know why she is right for him and I'm not. What makes her so special? Why is she everything he was looking for? I don't know why I wasn't good enough, why I wasn't everything he was looking for. He never gave me a good reason, and just the other day he told me that if we had gone about our relationship better things might be totally different now. As in we might still be together. When he broke up with me he said he still liked me, so I was at a loss to understand why he didn't want to be with me. I don't know. I probably never will. But since the relationship with him, which ended almost a year ago, I haven't met anyone else that likes me that I also like (by that I mean there have been a couple of total creepers who I would NEVER date but that's it). By and large, when I meet guys (which isn't super often), they're never interested. And all those super romantic love stories about how people meet, I walk around every day wondering if that'll happen to me, but of course it never does. The cute guy at the store who comes over to talk. The guy eating on campus at the table across from you and you keep making eye contact. The best friend of your ex boyfriend who you've been pouring your heart out to and now he knows you better than almost anyone, and (in a movie) he tells you that he's fallen for you and the two of you live happily ever after. Yeah that last one, that's one that's just never going to happen. Even if I am closer to him than almost anyone. Even if I do consider him one of my best friends in the world now. Even if I do sorta kinda like him, and I could fall in love with him, but I won't let myself because I know he doesn't like me like that. I could go on about guys. But I won't, or else I won't have anything else to blog about.
I guess that's it for tonight. It was good to let some of it out and type it all. Typing a lot is kinda therapeutic in and of itself. If you're unlucky enough to read this, I apologize. The point of this is that people probably won't see it. Until next time
-♥- Angela

Love, Not So Simply Enough

A Poem by K.J. Westley

Love is the cause of my anguish and my excitement.

Love is the cause of my despair and my delight.

Love is the cause of my pessimism and my optimism.

For something as trivial as an abstract noun,

Intangible,

It wields a power greater than the sharpest sword

Or strongest chains.

Love defines me.

Love is the reason behind why I do what I do.

The ever-changing tide of emotion

That sways this way and that,

It catches you when you least expect it

And doesn't let go.

Few things are more influencing than the power of love.

I'd die for love.

I'm constantly in a state of altering feelings,

One moment happy

And the next depressed.

The greatest thing about love is that

It's the greatest feeling imaginable,

Simply put.

Being in love is honestly the best thing in the world.

But the worst thing about love is that the one you love

Does not always love you back.

And that's worse than torture.

Still my favorite

For the past 3 nights in a row, I've watched Disney's Pocahontas. And it's about the 6th or 7th time I've watched it in the past couple of weeks. Now you have to understand, this is the first time I've watched Pocahontas in years. I mean YEARS. I honestly don't remember the last time I watched the whole thing like this. And I love it every single time. I can't get enough of it. When I was little, this movie was my absolute FAVORITE. I had Pocahontas clothes, Pocahontas toys, Pocahontas hair accessories, books, costumes, little odds and ends, everything. I even had a Pocahontas birthday with a fabulous birthday cake - the icing was like a river running through a forest, and there were action figures of Pocahontas in a canoe and other things on top of it. Dare I say it, I was obsessed. But I kind of lost interest, as most kids do when they grow up, and only in the past few years have I started revisting the old Disney movies again. They're all fantastic, but this was the first time I'd gotten around to Pocahontas, like I said, in years. I was literally spellbound. It's understandable why this movie captivated me so much as a little kid, but I have to say, I probably appreciate it more now. It's such an incredible story, full of romance, action, suspense, adventure, and comedy, not to mention a wonderful soundtrack. I'm honestly struggling to find the words to describe it. It's very grown-up for a Disney movie, meaning older kids and adults can really appreciate what's going on. Little kids, like I was, will like the surface things: the colorfulness, the funny parts, the songs, and even the love story. But now, as a nineteen year old, I can watch this movie and genuinely love it as a movie. I know now why it's my favorite Disney movie, even if I didn't realize it when I was little. It really is such a great story and a well put together movie. Even if it is animated. Just go back and watch it. It's on youtube - that's how I found it. See what I mean. There is a lot to appreciate in that movie once you're older. I wish I could find better words to describe it. Maybe just saying that I've watched it 3 nights in a row and still want to watch it again is good enough.
-♥- Angela

I think it's funny...

I've finally picked up writing again for the first serious time in a couple of years at least, working on the third book in my trilogy. There are a few things I've noticed that I think are kind of funny. For one, my characters in these books have basically developed their own personalities. Sure, I had a little bit of direction to begin with, but I had never from the start planned them out. Their individual (and distinct) personalities have arisen just out of my writing and stuck with them. Now I can look at them and tell you what each one is like, but they basically formed themselves. Another thing is how each character has a different part of me. I didn't realize it and didn't intend it, but each one of the major, recurring characters has a personality trait of mine. Somehow, I put a little bit of myself into each one. And for this too, I can go back and see how my personality has ended up in them, but I definitely didn't plan it from the start. By reading my books, you can discover more about me that most people would otherwise be able to. Just thought that was interesting.
-♥- Angela

Focusing Inward

Lately I've been trying to learn to be happy with my life, to accept what I have and don't have, to be content. Naturally, it's harder than just saying that. There are so many things in life that I want, that I want desperately, that I don't understand why I can't have. But then I take a step back and think about how much I have that a lot of people in this world don't. I'm lacking in a lot of things by American cultural standards, but not in world cultural standards. And that's one thing I have to always remind myself.

I've felt true suffering, been through true despair, and it was nothing shy of terrible. I've had my share of real difficulties for sure, and I've dealth with the utter agony of heartbreak. But once again, if I just look at other people in this world, even people I know, and I pay attention to what they're going through and have gone through, I'm blessed. Granted, life has not been easy. It's hardly been more than bearable sometimes (and occasionally not even that) and so many things have turned out in a way that I didn't want, but then again, I'm not the only one, and I haven't felt suffering like some people have felt. Learning not to feel sorry for myself is huge, and I'm definitely still working on it. There are so many things in life to make it easy to feel sorry for myself. But that's just selfish.

So the point? I'm fine. Even if I see friends and other people happy with things and relationships that I don't have but want, I need to always tell myself that I could be a lot worse off. So many other things could be wrong in my life that would make me laugh at my problems now. And no matter what, God is always in control and is working things out for my best interest, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself, I have to stop wanting things I don't have. Doing that won't change anything. You never know, what I really want may come along when I least expect it.

-♥- Angela

An escape

So this is new for me. I'm not really sure if I'll keep this up, or how often I will, but I like the idea right now. So many times I want to just express what I'm feeling but I can't find an easy way to do it. I hope this will be the escape I've been looking for. You may read this, you may not. Either way, it doesn't really matter. As long as I write and I know it's out there, I'll be satisfied. Of course, I'd prefer you to read it, or else I wouldn't write it at all :). Regardless, I promise there will be some exciting things in store. Thanks for reading. -♥- Angela